Veela Love: A Headache
by bananaTron
Summary: What book shares company with Hogwarts: A History on Hermione's bedside table? Why Veela Love: A Headache does. This is a funny little snippet poking fun at myself.
1. Prolouge

" 'ERMIONE!" Called out a rather frazzled Fleur Delacour-Granger from the top of the stairs.

"What!" Answered an equally annoyed Hermione Granger-Delacour.

"Stop playing wiz your chemistry set and 'elp me find somezing to wear."

"I thought you simply adored 'ze bookworm 'Ermione'," Hermione mocked as she trudged up the stairs on her way to help her seemingly helpless… wife?

"Fleur?"

"Yes," came the muffled replied from deep inside the enormous closet.

"So… are we married?"

The flurry of dresses flying through the air suddenly stopped as a Fleur came out of the closet clad only in what could only be described as the most lacey set of undergarments Hermione had ever seen.

"Why do you ask such a ridiculous question? Ma petitie, ma cherie, my chestnut. We are mates destined to be togezer for all of eternity." Fleur stated as she walked across the room.

" 'ERMIONE! My eyes are up here, not down there."

"Oh. Uh. What?"

Fleur just rolled her eyes as she walked over and dawned a robe.

"It was your damn Veela thrall!"

"Oh don't use zat excuse we both know zat ze zrall does not work on my true mate."

"Anyways… SO no we are not married then," Hermione confirmed.

"Well of course not, ze wizarding world would not allow such a union. Me being a half Veela and you not being a pureblood."

"That's what I thought," Hermione said drumming her fingers on the dresser.

"After all we are going to mine and Bill's 5th Wedding Anniversary," Fleur stated as she started rummaging through her dresses again.

"Oh. Blimey I forgot about zat."

"Zat? Since when do you speak wiz a French accent?"

"Duh Fleur! We are mates we must take on the characteristics of each other. Didn't you read the rule book?"

"Rule book?"

"Yes rule book Fleur," as Hermione made her way to the bedside table and pulled out a book from under _Hogwarts: A History_. "_Veela Love: A Headache_."

"Non, I must 'ave missed it. After all I am just a dense blonde."

"Ah Fleur. You are a sophisticated loving warm person who just puts up a façade to everyone but me. Your mate."

"Oiu, iz zat in ze book also?"

"You are so insufferable!" Hermione said as she started stomping around the room. "I cannot stand you! You are so arrogant. I can't even stand being in the same room with you!"

"I do believe zat iz in Chapter 5: _Veela Playing 'Ard to Get_. Can we skip to Chapter 12?"

Hermione blushed furiously.

"Ha! It iz ze infamous Ronald Weasley blush!" Fleur said poking fun at her mate. Ronald Weasley had a whole two chapters devoted to him in _Veela Love: A Headache_.

"Fleur! Chapter 12? The kids are in the house!"

"We 'ave kids? Mon dieu I must go smoozer zem wiz affection. My ovaries 'ave been aching for zem."

"Yes Fleur I know. Its in Chapter 14. You were quite the pain in the ass when you were pregnant."

"I was pregnant?"

"Blimely Fleur don't you remember anything?"

"Chapter 8," Fleur simply stated.

"Oh no don't you Chapter 8 me! Amnesia can only be evoked in times of great stress and only when one of us is in mortal peril!"

" 'Ermione, clearly you 'ave forgotten. I bring out ze rebellious side in you. You must zrow caution to ze wind! Forget ze books!"

Hermione just rolled her eyes in response as she started digging through the mass of dresses and shoes scattered along the bedroom floor.

"Why don't you wear this?" Hermione suggested as she pulled out a light purple backless gown made out of silk.

"Oui. Zat iz magnificent." Fleur said as she took off her robe to put on the offered dress.

" 'ERMIONE! EYES UP HERE!"

"Sorry, you and your damn thrall."

"How many times do I have to tell you zat ze zrall does not work on you? Must you be so stubborn?"

"Chapter 6…"

"So what are you going to wear?" Fleur asked ignoring Hermione's previous comment.

"Wait a second why do I have to go? Erm I have to look after the kids" Hermione said clearly looking for an excuse to get out of the evening's affairs.

"Non. I 'ave already asked Luna. She will be over soon."

"UGH! But I 'ave nozing to wear."

"Go naked!"

"FLEUR!"

"What? Chapter 1 clearly states my sexual nature. We Veela are predatory. And excellent lovers. I cannot 'elp myself." Fleur indignantly replied pretending to act offended.

"Oh ya you're an excellent lover Fleur. The stuff of ages," Hermione sarcastically replied.

This time Fleur was offended. How dare someone, even if it was her mate, mock the sexual fortitude of a Veela.

"Oh come off it Fleur. Chapter 2 clearly states that the Veela mate is repressed sexually. So much so that we in fact are almost impossible to handle in bed." Hermione mocked as she started undressing.

"FLEUR! EYES UP HERE!" Hermione chastised.

"Non, zey are quite happy where zey are."

"Pervert"

"Like it 'as bozered you before"

"Just shut it and help me find something to wear. Ugh what should I do with my hair?" Hermione mused as she started playing with her hair in the mirror.

"But of course you must wear it down and untamed. As if though it were a Lion's Mane. You are a Gryffindor non?" Fleur stated as she started rummaging through their clothes. She could never understand why people always assumed that she was so much taller then Hermione.

Dresses went flying along with a few curses in English and French.

" 'Ow about zis one?" Fleur said as she held up a rather familiar dress.

"Fleur. Honestly? I can't wear that."

Fleur looked confused as she looked back and forth between Hermione and the aforementioned dress trying to find the obvious problem.

"Why? I 'ad it dry cleaned ze ozer day"

"Fleur! First off it is way to close of a color to yours. Ye,s Yes I know I am supposed to have NO fashion sense. Or am I? Anyways. Second I wore that to the Yule Ball, everyone has seen me in it."

"But it iz my favorite," Fleur pouted. "I remember how breathtaking you were as you entered ze Great Hall. All be it on ze arm of zat 'Ungarian oaf."

"Oh come off it. You could 'ave asked me yourself."

"But I did! And you shot me down repeatedly."

"You can't honestly be mad about that. I was just following Chapter 6. I must at first be repulsed by the idea of you. I can't fall in love with you until you show me your true tender loving and caring side."

"Whatever," Fleur replied as she went on the hunt for a suitable dress.

"Shouldn't I be wearing a pant suit or something of the like? I am the more well… butch of the two of us. And I work at the Ministry. Or at Hogwarts. Erm. Well I do something important and scholarly. I don't think dress is my style."

"Fine wear what you wish. But remember zis year Molly will play ze roll of non accepting quasi surrogate Mozer-in-Law."

"Really? I thought we went through that last year."

"Non, last year she was happy. Having suspected mine and Bill's marriage as a farce to begin wiz."

"Oh," replied Hermione. Honestly these things were becoming harder and harder to keep track of. Good thing she had a book to keep tabs on everyzing. Seriously? Enough with the French accent already. "So… then is Bill gay?"

"Hmm," Fleur said giving it some thought.

"Yes, and we are ze best of friends. Don't you remember we 'ad a faux double date ze ozer night?"

"Oh yea."

"How is this?" Hermione asked pulling up a pinstriped pantsuit.

"Too much"

"Ugh!" Hermione gave up and just pulled out her LBD from the closet.

"I'm going in this then," she said as she pulled the dress up against her for Fleur's inspection.

"EYES UP HERE!"

They were interrupted by the doorbell ringing signaling the arrival of Luna.

* * *

><p><strong>i seriously couldn't help myself.. i needed a distraction and this popped in.. im thinkin i could eventually write the chs of Veela Love: A Headache and make a fun satirical piece outta it..<br>****this story in particular was to get someone to laugh a lil bit.. :)**


	2. Chapter 7: The Green Eyed Monster

**Chapter 7: _The Green Eyed Monster_**

It was just another ordinary Sunday afternoon in the Granger-Delacour household. The birds were chirping, a cool breeze was in the air, fluffy white clouds dotting a clear blue sky. The perfect scene of tranquility.

Until.

" 'Ermione Granger! 'Ow could you betray me so?! We are soul mates!" proclaimed a clearly upset Fleur that had just made her way into the study where Hermione was up to her normal Sunday reading.

"Hmm.."

" 'Ermione!"

"Hmm.." came the distracted response. Clearly whatever reading material Hermione had gotten her hands on was extremely intriguing.

"Are you not going to even pay attention to me!?" Fleur asked as she began to stomp her foot on the ground.

Hermione let out a sigh as she put her book down, "Fleur. I will forever be a bookworm remember? It is one of the many things that you found so endearing in me when you first laid eyes on me."

Fleur contemplated this statement and was about to say something when Hermione let out a sigh.

"Oh," said the younger witch, "I get it. Chapter 7." Hermione put down her book and braced herself. Now the young witch was not bracing herself in fear of her mate's anger. Hermione was trying to make sure that she would not break out in laughter at Fleur's latest jealous rant. To be honest Hermione found it, well, a tad hot.

This put the older witch back down the warpath.

"Don't you dare try and belittle my Veela emotions 'Ermione Granger!"

Hermione stifled a giggle, well tried her best to stifle said giggle that somehow managed to escape her mouth. This only further infuriated the older witch.

"I demand a divorce!" Fleur declared. Hoping to convey the seriousness of the situation to Hermione.

All it did was make the younger witch laugh harder.

" 'Ow can you sit zere so calmly you trollup!"

"Trollup!?"

Fleur pulled out a letter from her back pocket and waved it in front of Hermione's face.

"Yes!" Fleur confirmed. "Trollup, I can't believe you are still wiz Victor!"

Hermione found herself distracted, she sight of Fleur in such a worked up state, heavy breathing, flushed face, eyes blazing…

" 'Ermione! Eyes up 'ere!" Fleur admonished, almost regretting her choice of top for the day. Almost, it was nice to be noticed.

"Stop using your damn Veela thrall!"

Hermione shook her head, although it did very little to dispel the current thoughts running through her head. Very little. She sighed and took the letter from Fleur for further inspection.

"O, I see zat you are quite intrigued at wat Victor haz to say!" Fleur exclaimed as she began to literally shoot magic out of her extremities.

"You could have asked me to the ball yourself you know," Hermione said as she rolled her eyes. She opened the letter and gave it a quick glance, then burst out laughing.

"Chapter 6 'Ermione! Or do you forget 'ow repulsed you where wiz me!"

"Oh ya"

Fleur was enraged. "Non, zat brute shall never 'ave you! I shall challenge him to a duel to ze death!" She proclaimed. She was a proud Veela, to lose her mate to another was just not acceptable. She would prove her worth.

Hermione decided she was going to have a little bit of fun at Fleur's expense.

"Well, then you will also have to duel Ron. Harry. Ginny. Luna. I also believe I have been rumored to be involved with Professor McGonagall."

"Ginny is gay? I believed she waz wiz Harry."

"I think we had a threesome once. Or was that with Ron and Harry. It is all so confusing."

"Zen I shall fight zem all!" Replied a clearly enraged Fleur.

"I see," replied Hermione, trying her best to stifle yet another giggle.

"I shall use my Veela strength, you know very well ze lengths zat ze Veela will go through."

Something about seeing Fleur this possessive was clearly turning Hermione on.

"Eyes up 'ere!" Fleur demanded. Her resolve was crumbling and the overwhelming desire to take her mate was building quickly.

"Hmm."

" 'Ow can you be so calm! You must not love me!" the Veela dramatically proclaimed.

Hermione had enough and couldn't hold in her laughter anymore as she started to read the contents of the letter out loud.

"My dearest Fleur. It has been a long time…"

"Wat!" Fleur proclaimed as she looked around rather sheepishly.

Hermione just laughed.

"O... So Victor was writing me?"

More laughter.

"Umm, 'Ermione, I waz not serious about a divorce." Fleur gulped.

"Uh huh," Hermione said as she started walking slowly towards Fleur.

Fleur oddly felt like a piece of meat. Or perhaps an antelope. An antelope in front of a rather menacing lion. 'My 'Ermione's hair seems to be more bushy then usual' Fleur thought. Odd the thoughts that pop into one's head before the eminent demise.

"Chapter 7," Hermione started, "is always, always, followed by Chapter 12." And with that Hermione stepped past Fleur and walked up the stairs.

Fleur was quite glad that their kids were at Harry's. Or where they? Did they have kids? She couldn't remember.

"Fleur. Get up here. Now"

Gosh she loved Chapter 12.

* * *

><p><strong>short. hopefully a laugh. today needs some laughter... cause the giggles of 20 innocent kids will never be heard again.. <strong>


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